I guess myspace blogs never mean much to people.
Heck, even when i say things to people they don’t really care as much as they do on drama TV series.Fact is, some people just dont care. Unlike in ramsy street, where if you have an eating disorder, depression, or, whatever, everybody cares about it, and things get all better, blah blah, all that crap. I guess some things just arnt fair hmpht.
Like the fact that most nights im too scared of going to sleep, mainly because my dreams seem tooreal, and always contain the people i really care about holding my hand and depending on me. (and in some cases we go into outter space somehow and say hello to people from school on the moon somehow?)It always leaves me in disappointment when i wake up, sometimes i dont even realise it was a dream, until i hear mm screaming "GET READY FOR SCHOOL WE’RE GONNA BE LATE!" or something around those lines.
Ive been putting on a smile for everyone lately. It’s laster a fair while now. Sometimes ive actually been happy, sometimes I’ve just been hiding the suicideal thoughts lurking out of the closet at the back of my head.Ivebeen telling myself all year so far that "this is going to be a good year for me",but the first first quater has been really disappointing.And ive gotten into a habbit of saying "oh well, it’ll be fine, ill get over it" after i tell people about something going on. Sometimes i believe that.It’s started almost exactly as it did last year, but ive been trying not to let it get to me.Mainly because a repeat of last year would leave me with a bullet in my head i spose.But also because if i put on a sad face, i know that like previous times, i will lose a fair few people, because i basically turn into a walking depressant.Then ill have to suck it all up and chase after them all over again.And also because i hate bringing people down with me, i dont know why anyone would think id want to.
i wish i could go back to my shell in year 8, but i losted it :(
Tonight ive decided to put people before me again, and care about their happiness more than mine, and even if it didnt seem it, thats what my intention was to do last year, which lead me into a giant sinkhole.Hopefully i wont end up there again, but it seems like im creepy towards it again.
I realise as im writting his, even though i probably sont post this until some day later this week (now ;]), that by writting this out in a blog is probably making all my intentions opposit just by telling people about itsorry bout dat ;D
And hey, maybe it will continue like it did last year, starting with one emotional thingy blog, and eventually leading upto posting a bulletin everyday that i feel like shit XD
I eventually started to get the point that what i said didnt really matter after it was heard 10000 timesand like this blog it will be disguardedBut hey, i like writting things :)
Its 2:05am now,and im getting sleepy after writting 4 pages of emo wrath shit in my journalso that concludes this blogIf more is to come just post a comment saying "Shut up emo no-one cares"cos it cuts me deep and brings me back to reality, that no one really gives a shit.:)
sarcasm is rad (H)
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