I just emptied a few unread and useless blogs in my bloggery, and i came across this..
i made this mypace on the 16th of june, 2006. It seems ive had this myspacer for a little while now, hey? xD
Anyway, I found that my last 'serious' sort of blog was on April the 4th, this year. It seems my intense myspace whoring has decreased, thank goodness!
I was thinking of writting a blog around the start of the week, but put it off, mainly because i was 'cbfing' and im not really serious about anything on the internet these days, which really is a good thing! you should try it sometime.
Anyway, obviously, Im in the 'i CAN be f*cked' mood now, therefore im writting this, mainly to vent, and mainly because im too tired to vent through my drawings (oh yes, theres a fact you didnt know!)
So, after a long and pointless fact-filled introduction, i will finally tell you what im going to be on about... thats IF you havnt read the title of the blog already... oh man i can drag shit on for a while.
So, some of you who actually know me, and have had serious (or what you could call serious with me) conversations with me might have heard be talk about how im 'going to die alone' how i 'dont believe in love' or how i tend to doubt a lot of friendships.
I guess in a sense, it all relates to that one devilish word.
the 'L' word. YES, i know thats a name of a show! and i dont care either.
I also know that one of my favourite anime characters name is 'L', but thats a totally different 'L' to the one im talking about here.
oh man i drag things on a lot. :P
So, the whole 'im not going to get married' and 'im going to die alone' kind of refers to a lot of things. Failing relationships, my doubts in love, and all those good friends that somehow disappeared.
(btw, im constantly getting distracted by futurama as i write this, so excuse me if i go COMPLETELY off topic.)
It's hard to bear sometimes that so many people have passed in an out of my life so easily, or moved on so quickly. There have been some people that have been with me since the moment i met them, kudos to John here, for sticking with me for how long? 3 and a half years did i hear you say? aha.
Im fine with falling outs here and there, but rightnow, we're still mates, yes?
However, dispite the fact that theres some people at bayside with me who are my friends now, whats going to happen after school? and after you get a job, travel, whatever you plan to do? can you see my doubts now? QUESTION MARK?
I guess (hope he dosnt mind me saying thins) that i have some hope that later on in life, me and Seamus will actually live together, meaning i wont be lonesome. I dont care if i dont get married, as long as i have someone, I guess. And even if i did get married, I'd most likely want to meet the person now, so they would understand a bit more about me and my past, i cbf explaining to someone everything thats happened in my life, Id rather them just... being there. Of course, i doubt i would meet someone now, and that in result, is why i doubt i would get married. theres more reasons, of course, but theres on of them.
Theres also the fact that i want to go to japan, i somehow doubt that someone would follow me all the way there. No, i dont want to marry some Japanese dude. >.>
And also the fact that i have a big imagination, and a picture of the person i would like to marry in my head, and i tend to write about him. Call me weird, but if i was writting about a romance book or something with that chaacter, id somehow feel like i was cheating on ... whoever. i think thats enough reasons to give you rightnow. I always end up leaving things out.
I have to admit that i do have a someone inch of hope based on one fact. Theres three people who have been with me from the beginning, and havnt left (in a sense). Stephen Jen and Dj are still my mates. Although its hard to be as close as we were, considering Stephen and Jen moved to queensland. But i still get to see them now and then, and talk.
But we're never gonna have get back those memories that we used to make together. *doubt*
Anyway, so when i say 'im going to die alone' it also means that i dont WANT to, its more the fact that i really really seriously think that i will.
Despite my comments about living as a hermit and turning into an old cat lady in japan. I usually say that because im angry at society for whatever reason.
MAN, I should end the blog here, sorry if you're reading this, i advise you take a break, take a kitkat (H)
Oh yeah man, im really cool.
HOMG, ITUNES HAS A VIZUALIZER? ITS SO COOL!
oh yeah, you might notice at the bottom thingy, i was 'currently listening' to utada hikaru. Ive actually passed through about 20 songs while writting this blog so far. They should really allow more room for heaps of songs. THERES AN IDEA FOR YOU TOM. JET WILL PWN YOUUUUUUUU.
'Santa Claus is gunning you down! (8)'
Yeah, I just added a totally useless paragraphy (LOL, PARAGRAPHY XD) there for you.
Now, 'i dont believe in love'. So many various reasons for that. Some of it links to to all the shit i wrote before, for some reasons i want to believe in it, for some reasons i dont want to believe in it. For some reasons i dont want to 'fall in it' or say i have, and for other reasons i really really want to. confused yet? if not, well i am!
the whole thing is very confusing, so many things appear in my mind in the mere mention of it, a giant debate in my head happens.
In means to not let anyone doubt the 'L' word as i do, ill jsut plainly say that one of my reasons for it all, is because i dont think two people can be together forever. I have a reason for that that i wont explain to anyone. My mum brought up the topic to me one day, and it just added onto all my other doubts of not believing in marriage, or anything else.
Im also scared that i might oneday be 'stuck' with some dude, and end up marrying him. I have my reasons for that too, which is maybe just a little too personal.
However, lately i have considered getting myself a 'last resort', like making an ACTUAL deal with a friend, or whatever. I stole the idea of friends. 'If im not married by 35, and you're not married by 35, we should get married'.
Id do it with a good friend, not someone who likes me. Im more scared of being stuck with someone who likes me, which i dont like. Thats one of my main reasons for not dating currently. Also because i dont want someone saying they love me, and ending up replying with 'uh... yeah... you do that!'
My idea on the meaning of Love is huge. It only happens once in somebodies life, and it lasts a lifetime. And its not something that you can just say all the time, to every girlfriend and boyfriend you have. I dont take it lightly, i let the word slip now and then to friends, expecially when they do something really really awesome for me ^.^ and im like 'HOMG, I LOVEEE YOU THANKS!'
I do love my friends, but its a different matter.
As i was talking to wes last night, i found myself venting the fact that i might have actually been in 'love' before (i never ventured that fact, because i didnt want to), therefore its never going to happen again, and that down inside, i do still *L word* him. Its something that hurts. But im not sure on that yet, or whether im willing to go through my life believing that Love will never come down my path, that its TOTALLY impossible. I told Mason this the other day, so i guess i dont have to be so shy on saying this, but her and Ab have given me slight hope that love isnt impossible in this world (i mean seriously, how much of an awesome couple are they? xD)
I also get scared of easily by lust. Some people say that it leads to love, or whatever.
I dont know how i feel about that subject, so i dont really look over it much.
I think for most of the stupid crushes ive been getting lately, they are usually just a lust thing, or a jealousy thing. nothing more. I dont think its a one-sided love.
I only believe in 'one-sided love' in mangas or animes.
I only believe in love itself, in mangas or animes, or in soppy love stories, or movies.
Ive grown up and learned that things dont happen like they do on tv, or in books even.
Most of the time, i really wish they did though.
Now do you see one of the reasons why im so obsessed over these animes and mangas?
Great things like this actually exists in them! and they take my mind of the fact that it dosnt exist.
That, and the fact that anime is really cool, and interesting. MOON PRISM POWER.
Before i conclude this blog, kudos to wes man. He's been awesome over the last two weeks, giving me someone to vent too, and actually making me think about a few things, even if they do make me a bit down, its a good thing to think about this topic.
Id also like to thank Mason, although she'll probably never read this, cos shes been really awesome too lately, and being really caring, and stuff. Not everyday that someone actually proves to me that they care.
Through this blog, ive said a fair few things. Ive probably skipped a BUNCH of stuff.
Your probably thinking 'WHAT THE HELL, THIS HAS GONE ON FOR AGES', but yeah, whatevs.
I think ive covered enough for one lousy myspace blog/Vampire freak entry. Im cool like that.
Now, i shall retire to eat icecream, drink a nice hot milo, draw maybe, or just stare at the awesome itunes vizualations! srsly! they are awesome!
OH, and to anyone who's looking this blog up and down rightnow, thinking 'omg, how much did she write?!?!'
well, here you go.
Pages: 3
Words: 1842
ahahhaa
didnt that just put you off? :D
ADIOS. <3
