hey guys..

okay, so some of you have noticed that ive been a bit down lately, and stuff like that. 'whats wrong' 'i want to help'
i think its about time i explain some stuff thats going down.

but first, a word of warning..
im a tad tipsy, so sorry for spelling errors, and for this whole blog actually!
ill probably say something stupidd.

okay, well this is i guess kinda big for me. ive been like this before, and it took me a while to get out of it.
so, because its happened before, i guess its a it of a heads up for me, and i know what im gonna end up doing.
this is my confession. and if you dont want to hear it, turn back now.
i dont want friends worrying, or people calling me emo for that matter.

okay, well a lot of you know that ive picked up drinking again. (i pointed that out at the start of this thing lolll)
i realise its bad. im christian, and i guess wasting my life away isnt exactly what i think is right, yet its what im doing. ive become dependent on this crap, ever since i picked it up, about two weeks ago.
i gave up for about 6 months at one stage, and i have used it as a way to pass through these crap times in my life.
im not proud. i never expected to pick up a can again(or glass in this case. SCOTCHHH)
but i have, and im starting to think its making things worse, yet im still drinking it. why? well in a sense i feel i deserve this pain. and my stream of being 'im not gonna do this, im gonna be good, and not press boundries. im gonna put peoples weight on my shoulders, and just sit there leting them lash out on me' (btw, in most cases i like it when people talk to me about there problems. and i dont want anyone feeling bad, i like people telling me things, i like helping, so if somethings going on keep telling me.) slightly tipped the scales. and its not just people telling me 'i feel like shit' its people telling me 'i feel like shit, its all your fault'.
but, the main reason i started up again was because of some memories that keep messing with me. bad time of the year, and i didnt know what to do.

ive only started to realise how i take on things.
i have a few friends atm that arnt doing the best, and family also. these are people i care about, and i hate seeing them like this.
its made me sad, and ive stepped into their shoes. i love them so much, and i would do anything for them to be happy.
i honestly dont give a crap if i feel like shit rightnow, as long as they are happy, im okay wIth that.
once again, it isnt their fault im sad. this is my decision to take on board their problems, its who i am i spose. but in a sense its keeping me here, because more than anything in this world, i want to be there for them. so thankyou.

ive realised how much me being upset effects people.
they get angry, pissed of, worried, the list goes on, depending on the person.
i realise its hard to deal with me when im continuely pushing people away and telling them to leave me alone, or blocking them, or letting them know i have a problem, yet not tell them what it is.
i block people because i dont want them to be hurt
i dont tell people things because it hurts when i bring some stuff up, and i have trust issues. most people i decide to trust leave me, so i dont bother trusting anyone.
or they eventually give up and stop caring about me.
which gets hard sometimes, andyea, i guess in that was im selfish.

im selfish, because i dont let people go. it hurts me so much when people leave me. people im extremely close to.
ive had an issue with change since grade three (i have my reasons)
and its become a real issue. its one of my biggest weaknesses, and i wish i could be fine with it.
People walk in and out of my life, leaving their carious marks. i look at those marks some days, and trying to remember how fun those times were, which leads me to being upset a lot.

so once again, im sorry.
im sorry to anyone ive put down in the last few days.
im sorry for pushing people away, making them to angry, or hurt to talk to me.
im gonna try to just get away from it all for a while
not away from people, i cant live without a lot of people (actually, rightnow theses that one person i cant find myself parting from)
and im gonna have to somehow find a way to sort everything out

talking helps, but as i said, i dont want people carrying my burdens.
i talk to mum about calling my counsellor
but hes a dumb shit who cant make time for me. (thanks :P)

but heres your heads up.
i cant continue like this
and yesterday was totally shit. (as in, i drank to much an was sick all of today shit. not a good idea!... yet im doing it again lol!)


i also want to thank anyone who has stayed with me, cheered me up when i needed it, and held their temper, and was patient with me.

and i thank the people who tried to help.

Ive been praying, and i know God will keep me strong.
goodnight/morning x