"No regrets"

Life can be slightly complicated sometimes. It can be horrid, heartwrenching, and a let down.
But it can also be beautiful. Sometimes it really depends on how you look at it.

Last week I finished my exams. Completely stressed me out, with the studying, and the mother expecting you to get A's, yet doubting you at the same time. How does that work?
Well, I got through it... Just.
And my marks weren't that bad, I have to admit. I got maybe two D's, but only in minor subjects which I shall not be continueing for VCE. I just have to teach my mum that a "C" is average, and good.

I thought the stress was over after that. I have to admit, Im a complete stress head. But this week has been filled with the thought of "Dont regret anything", and "I can only expect people to walk out my life". My doubts in humanity grew majorly over this week, and I found out about a new enemy I have. Fate.

Lets go back a while, to my first lot of close friends. When I was younger, I had a few girl mates, who eventually sorta backstabed me. I mean, Im completely over it now, I know they're actually pretty nice girls(But I sometimes wonder if thats the reason why I cant feel close to girls?), however, they left. Moving on, I remember when Dj moved schools, me and Stephen were so sad. Then I remember when Stephen moved to Qld, which I was extremely down about.
Highschool was worse. Because it wasnt as if people left school, or moved away because they had to, but more because they wanted to move on from me.
Everytime it happened it felt sort of unexpected, and out of the blue. Each time it changed me completely, and made me realise so many horrible things in the world. I sometimes wish I could thank them, because of how much they made me realise certain things, and helped me become more mature, and grow. But most days, I kinda wish I could punch them in the face for it.
I lost another this term. Though we live kind of far away, we would talk on the phone for ages on end. He'd make me smile so much. I take my mind of these things, or try to at least. Sometimes I succeed, but somehow, I've been having insane dreams, where this one person keeps walking out on me. Weird yes? Extemely hard to deal with.
It makes me wonder. What is so bad about me, that makes everyone I feel close to, disappear?
I try not to feel close to anyone now, because of that reason, but I kinda failed. I probably always will fail. Oh well.

This week I found out that it was likely I would lose another two people in my life. Though, I tried not to show it, tried to make it seem as if I didnt care, and failed. I knew how much I'd miss them, I knew I wouldnt know what to do next year, and that I should give up - on everything.
I felt as if there was nothing to live for. I was reminded of all the good times I had with people close to me before, how much I missed them, and how lonely I felt/was.
It was the most emotional week I've probably had all year. But I had one advantage this time. I knew it was going to happen. So many times people have left, and I regret how much I took advantage of their friendship, or how I spent the last moments around them. I told myself "No regrets", and although I felt as if I was going to regret things on and off this whole week, Im proud to say, No regrets. None... I hope.

Im hoping they havent left my life for good. I'm kinda doubting it actually.
And how good, Im off to Queensland to see Stephen, and the rest of my spare family tommorow.
Me and Dj are good mates still, Im always bumping into him at frankston (the bogan), and I've been friends with John now for 4 years.
So I guess not everyone leaves. Though, we may not all be as close as we were (Stephen with his damned moving to qld, and warcraft! Dj with his "not going to bayside-ness", and John with his foursquare!) They havnt left.
Im so thankful for friends like that.
Hopefully, I will meet someone else like that, and finally have a group again.

8008135

No main intention to this blog. Just a report on some of the things ive experienced lately.
But you never know, i could come up with some real deep and meaningful crapola.
Dont count on it.

So, at school half of the year 10's ended up on an outdoor ed camp, leaving tuesday, arriving back on thursday near the end of the school day. At bayside, a large amount of the year 10 students got into the game foursquare. Ive come to despise it. alot.
I mean, i never used to mind the game in primary school... it might have been because it was only a small group of mates that played it, not over half of the people in my class. I also had other options of things i could do at lunch besides foursquare, which wouldnt leave me being a loner -Whatever.would be nice to do something somewhat more exciting with my lunchtimes that either sitting in a corner by myself, or playing foursquare.Anyway!Thats what was so good about the outdoor ed gameNO FOURSQUARE!to those who missed the awesomeness of no foursquare at lunchtimes for those 3 days, i feel sorry for you. Kay, moving on xDfriday was amazingly fun at youth. Most fun ive had in about a year... exaclty.
Hardly anyone was there, but heck, whatevs.Me and Mason ended up in on of the cupboards with teh vacuums and brooms and crap hiding from "hunters" in a game that was on. I ended up sitting on a vacuum cleaner. it was HALARIOUS.moving on, again.Today, wow.I work for my dad now, every saturday. Its awesome fun.Anywho, this morning we went on site, and saw this massively massive house my dad was building a kitchen for.worth $3,000,000,And guess what? Its only a holiday home!i got a tour of what the house looked like so far. 6 bedrooms? each with its own bathroom? YOU SERIOUS?the lounge was MASSIVE, as well as the hallway. And the dude who owns it was considering making another holiday home in the city for 5 mill as well!WTH?the lives of the filthy rich bastards! (note: i dont hate rich people xD)

I was like "WOAHHHHH"Then dad told me stories of some of his clients who had knocked down $3,000,000, worth houses, just because they wanted to build another house on that particular land. apparently the 3,000,000 dollar house in question was on specifically built for that client 7 years beforehand!why?!because they have the money
wow. Like WOW.It made me wonder. "Would i ever do this if i had this sort of money?"I realised, quite happily, that i wouldnt.i think, really, the first thing id do after bulding a holiday house with 6 rooms worth $3 mill. would be to... give it to some families that need it. I dont see how it could hurt? i mean, if you have THAT much money, you might aswell do something completely worth while with it?
Heck, build 50 houses for people, for free. I dont think i could even live with the responsibilty of having that much money! it would scare the shit out of me! After that, i worked (well... sorta)while lazing around, i found out a could make groups of contacts on my phone. And i found out how use speed dial, and yeah.Heres the list of people i have on speed dial (i just randomly put friends in there too. Ill never use speed dial, i bet!)
1. John
2. Dad
3. Donna
4. Seamus
5. Lachlan
6. Mum

Nyah nyah nyah!
Anyway, i guess i mentioned something somewhat meaningful in the end.
How awesome.

the subject of the "L" word.

I just emptied a few unread and useless blogs in my bloggery, and i came across this..
i made this mypace on the 16th of june, 2006. It seems ive had this myspacer for a little while now, hey? xD
Anyway, I found that my last 'serious' sort of blog was on April the 4th, this year. It seems my intense myspace whoring has decreased, thank goodness!
I was thinking of writting a blog around the start of the week, but put it off, mainly because i was 'cbfing' and im not really serious about anything on the internet these days, which really is a good thing! you should try it sometime.
Anyway, obviously, Im in the 'i CAN be f*cked' mood now, therefore im writting this, mainly to vent, and mainly because im too tired to vent through my drawings (oh yes, theres a fact you didnt know!)
So, after a long and pointless fact-filled introduction, i will finally tell you what im going to be on about... thats IF you havnt read the title of the blog already... oh man i can drag shit on for a while.

So, some of you who actually know me, and have had serious (or what you could call serious with me) conversations with me might have heard be talk about how im 'going to die alone' how i 'dont believe in love' or how i tend to doubt a lot of friendships.
I guess in a sense, it all relates to that one devilish word.
the 'L' word. YES, i know thats a name of a show! and i dont care either.
I also know that one of my favourite anime characters name is 'L', but thats a totally different 'L' to the one im talking about here.
oh man i drag things on a lot. :P
So, the whole 'im not going to get married' and 'im going to die alone' kind of refers to a lot of things. Failing relationships, my doubts in love, and all those good friends that somehow disappeared.
(btw, im constantly getting distracted by futurama as i write this, so excuse me if i go COMPLETELY off topic.)
It's hard to bear sometimes that so many people have passed in an out of my life so easily, or moved on so quickly. There have been some people that have been with me since the moment i met them, kudos to John here, for sticking with me for how long? 3 and a half years did i hear you say? aha.
Im fine with falling outs here and there, but rightnow, we're still mates, yes?
However, dispite the fact that theres some people at bayside with me who are my friends now, whats going to happen after school? and after you get a job, travel, whatever you plan to do? can you see my doubts now? QUESTION MARK?
I guess (hope he dosnt mind me saying thins) that i have some hope that later on in life, me and Seamus will actually live together, meaning i wont be lonesome. I dont care if i dont get married, as long as i have someone, I guess. And even if i did get married, I'd most likely want to meet the person now, so they would understand a bit more about me and my past, i cbf explaining to someone everything thats happened in my life, Id rather them just... being there. Of course, i doubt i would meet someone now, and that in result, is why i doubt i would get married. theres more reasons, of course, but theres on of them.
Theres also the fact that i want to go to japan, i somehow doubt that someone would follow me all the way there. No, i dont want to marry some Japanese dude. >.>
And also the fact that i have a big imagination, and a picture of the person i would like to marry in my head, and i tend to write about him. Call me weird, but if i was writting about a romance book or something with that chaacter, id somehow feel like i was cheating on ... whoever. i think thats enough reasons to give you rightnow. I always end up leaving things out.
I have to admit that i do have a someone inch of hope based on one fact. Theres three people who have been with me from the beginning, and havnt left (in a sense). Stephen Jen and Dj are still my mates. Although its hard to be as close as we were, considering Stephen and Jen moved to queensland. But i still get to see them now and then, and talk.
But we're never gonna have get back those memories that we used to make together. *doubt*
Anyway, so when i say 'im going to die alone' it also means that i dont WANT to, its more the fact that i really really seriously think that i will.
Despite my comments about living as a hermit and turning into an old cat lady in japan. I usually say that because im angry at society for whatever reason.

MAN, I should end the blog here, sorry if you're reading this, i advise you take a break, take a kitkat (H)
Oh yeah man, im really cool.
HOMG, ITUNES HAS A VIZUALIZER? ITS SO COOL!
oh yeah, you might notice at the bottom thingy, i was 'currently listening' to utada hikaru. Ive actually passed through about 20 songs while writting this blog so far. They should really allow more room for heaps of songs. THERES AN IDEA FOR YOU TOM. JET WILL PWN YOUUUUUUUU.
'Santa Claus is gunning you down! (8)'

Yeah, I just added a totally useless paragraphy (LOL, PARAGRAPHY XD) there for you.
Now, 'i dont believe in love'. So many various reasons for that. Some of it links to to all the shit i wrote before, for some reasons i want to believe in it, for some reasons i dont want to believe in it. For some reasons i dont want to 'fall in it' or say i have, and for other reasons i really really want to. confused yet? if not, well i am!
the whole thing is very confusing, so many things appear in my mind in the mere mention of it, a giant debate in my head happens.
In means to not let anyone doubt the 'L' word as i do, ill jsut plainly say that one of my reasons for it all, is because i dont think two people can be together forever. I have a reason for that that i wont explain to anyone. My mum brought up the topic to me one day, and it just added onto all my other doubts of not believing in marriage, or anything else.
Im also scared that i might oneday be 'stuck' with some dude, and end up marrying him. I have my reasons for that too, which is maybe just a little too personal.
However, lately i have considered getting myself a 'last resort', like making an ACTUAL deal with a friend, or whatever. I stole the idea of friends. 'If im not married by 35, and you're not married by 35, we should get married'.
Id do it with a good friend, not someone who likes me. Im more scared of being stuck with someone who likes me, which i dont like. Thats one of my main reasons for not dating currently. Also because i dont want someone saying they love me, and ending up replying with 'uh... yeah... you do that!'

My idea on the meaning of Love is huge. It only happens once in somebodies life, and it lasts a lifetime. And its not something that you can just say all the time, to every girlfriend and boyfriend you have. I dont take it lightly, i let the word slip now and then to friends, expecially when they do something really really awesome for me ^.^ and im like 'HOMG, I LOVEEE YOU THANKS!'
I do love my friends, but its a different matter.

As i was talking to wes last night, i found myself venting the fact that i might have actually been in 'love' before (i never ventured that fact, because i didnt want to), therefore its never going to happen again, and that down inside, i do still *L word* him. Its something that hurts. But im not sure on that yet, or whether im willing to go through my life believing that Love will never come down my path, that its TOTALLY impossible. I told Mason this the other day, so i guess i dont have to be so shy on saying this, but her and Ab have given me slight hope that love isnt impossible in this world (i mean seriously, how much of an awesome couple are they? xD)
I also get scared of easily by lust. Some people say that it leads to love, or whatever.
I dont know how i feel about that subject, so i dont really look over it much.
I think for most of the stupid crushes ive been getting lately, they are usually just a lust thing, or a jealousy thing. nothing more. I dont think its a one-sided love.
I only believe in 'one-sided love' in mangas or animes.
I only believe in love itself, in mangas or animes, or in soppy love stories, or movies.
Ive grown up and learned that things dont happen like they do on tv, or in books even.
Most of the time, i really wish they did though.

Now do you see one of the reasons why im so obsessed over these animes and mangas?
Great things like this actually exists in them! and they take my mind of the fact that it dosnt exist.
That, and the fact that anime is really cool, and interesting. MOON PRISM POWER.

Before i conclude this blog, kudos to wes man. He's been awesome over the last two weeks, giving me someone to vent too, and actually making me think about a few things, even if they do make me a bit down, its a good thing to think about this topic.
Id also like to thank Mason, although she'll probably never read this, cos shes been really awesome too lately, and being really caring, and stuff. Not everyday that someone actually proves to me that they care.

Through this blog, ive said a fair few things. Ive probably skipped a BUNCH of stuff.
Your probably thinking 'WHAT THE HELL, THIS HAS GONE ON FOR AGES', but yeah, whatevs.
I think ive covered enough for one lousy myspace blog/Vampire freak entry. Im cool like that.
Now, i shall retire to eat icecream, drink a nice hot milo, draw maybe, or just stare at the awesome itunes vizualations! srsly! they are awesome!
OH, and to anyone who's looking this blog up and down rightnow, thinking 'omg, how much did she write?!?!'
well, here you go.
Pages: 3
Words: 1842

ahahhaa
didnt that just put you off? :D

ADIOS. <3

ohai, im going to click this blog link, then complain that i read the whole thing :)

I guess myspace blogs never mean much to people.
Heck, even when i say things to people they don’t really care as much as they do on drama TV series.Fact is, some people just dont care. Unlike in ramsy street, where if you have an eating disorder, depression, or, whatever, everybody cares about it, and things get all better, blah blah, all that crap. I guess some things just arnt fair hmpht.
Like the fact that most nights im too scared of going to sleep, mainly because my dreams seem tooreal, and always contain the people i really care about holding my hand and depending on me. (and in some cases we go into outter space somehow and say hello to people from school on the moon somehow?)It always leaves me in disappointment when i wake up, sometimes i dont even realise it was a dream, until i hear mm screaming "GET READY FOR SCHOOL WE’RE GONNA BE LATE!" or something around those lines.
Ive been putting on a smile for everyone lately. It’s laster a fair while now. Sometimes ive actually been happy, sometimes I’ve just been hiding the suicideal thoughts lurking out of the closet at the back of my head.Ivebeen telling myself all year so far that "this is going to be a good year for me",but the first first quater has been really disappointing.And ive gotten into a habbit of saying "oh well, it’ll be fine, ill get over it" after i tell people about something going on. Sometimes i believe that.It’s started almost exactly as it did last year, but ive been trying not to let it get to me.Mainly because a repeat of last year would leave me with a bullet in my head i spose.But also because if i put on a sad face, i know that like previous times, i will lose a fair few people, because i basically turn into a walking depressant.Then ill have to suck it all up and chase after them all over again.And also because i hate bringing people down with me, i dont know why anyone would think id want to.
i wish i could go back to my shell in year 8, but i losted it :(
Tonight ive decided to put people before me again, and care about their happiness more than mine, and even if it didnt seem it, thats what my intention was to do last year, which lead me into a giant sinkhole.Hopefully i wont end up there again, but it seems like im creepy towards it again.
I realise as im writting his, even though i probably sont post this until some day later this week (now ;]), that by writting this out in a blog is probably making all my intentions opposit just by telling people about itsorry bout dat ;D
And hey, maybe it will continue like it did last year, starting with one emotional thingy blog, and eventually leading upto posting a bulletin everyday that i feel like shit XD
I eventually started to get the point that what i said didnt really matter after it was heard 10000 timesand like this blog it will be disguardedBut hey, i like writting things :)
Its 2:05am now,and im getting sleepy after writting 4 pages of emo wrath shit in my journalso that concludes this blogIf more is to come just post a comment saying "Shut up emo no-one cares"cos it cuts me deep and brings me back to reality, that no one really gives a shit.:)
sarcasm is rad (H)

Different?

Haha, okay before i begin, sorry to anyone who gets offended by this. This is only directed to certain people, not full stereotypes. If you label yourself after a stereotype thats fine by me :)
Oh, and this is a rant, and these are my opinions, feel free to argue with them.

Okay, so ive realised something weird about most teenagers lately. There seems to be a lot of us who want to 'fit in', and a lot of us who want to be 'different'.
To the people who are trying to be different, sorry, but your doing a preeeetty crappy job.
People going around saying how 'different' they are, are just being a little daft. Because, really, on myspace, a lot of people write that in their about me's. 'IM DIFFERENT, I LISTEN TO METAL AND WEAR BLACK. NO ONE ELSE DOES THAT'
It means nothing anymore. I lol at scene kids. Im pretty sure almost all of them are just a bunch of try hards. 'Look at me, im different!' me: 'uh, sorry, have i seen you before? or was that just you best friend?'
There are a bunch of us who think 'different' is not following the mainstream. A lot of people are doing the exact opposite, because they are trying so hard to be 'different'.
'different different different'
But i cant blame them, i dont like the mainstream myself really. But what they dont realise is that by doing so they're joining half of society! Now is that really different? There probably 546580695546 people out there who look exactly like you! listen to the music you do! your not that different!
There seems to a new mainstream going around, one thats the exact opposite of the original mainstream, and almost everyone who is apart of it is just a try hard!
I mean, at least metros and sluts admit to liking what they like! welll, thats also a lie, because there seems to be a lot of them who are trying so hard to fit in!
Talk about the tryhard culture!

The only thing thats different about each and every one of us is the person deep down inside. You cant bring that person out, its deep down for a reason!
So people put on these fake persona's (aka our masks. Just to clarify, each and every one of us hide behind a mask, its fact. We CANT show who we are inside by wearing clothes and listening to certain music. kay?) trying to be different on the outside? right....

So now we have SOME emos, and scene kids trying to be really different.
Then we have SOME teeny boppers and metros trying to be the same!
what i dont get is, why the HELL dont you just wear what you want, instead of wearing the opposite of what the mainstream wants you too, or wearing what your friends are?
why the HELL dont you listen to the music you want to, instead of listening to metal because 'no-one listens to metal' or listening to techno because its whats on tv.

Popularity shouldnt have to put you off things. If theres a flouro top you think is cool and you want to buy it, why the hell not?
If theres a techno song you like, why not listen to it again and again?
are you worried your friends will hate you because they listen to hardcore music, or wear black?
well, if they do, they're pretty shit friends if you ask me. Losing repect for your friends because they dont dress like you, or listen to the music you do, is bullcrap.

Why not give it a try? Wear what you like, listen to what you like. Because then if someone stereotypes you, or calls you fake, at least you know yourself that your not!

If you get teased because you like what you like, and wear what you like, well done scene kid! you are now actually different!

I have to blame a large portion of this rant on myspace.
I bet every 'scene kid' you see down the street has one. What we seem to do is go through peoples profiles and go 'WOAH, LIKE HER HAIR, IM GONNA LOOK DIFFERENT AND PUT BLUE IN MY HAIR, JUST LIKE HER'

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

its a continuous chain of people copying other people. I feel sorry for the person who had that hair originally, because now they're just like everyone else.
Think about it, by copying people, your not being different, and your also making the person who you stole the hairdo off just like everyone else.
I remember not too long ago i was bagged heaps for wearing black and having an 'emo' fringe.
Now everyones dressing in black and growing emo fringes!
and thankyou, now i feel like everyone else. :/

STUPID MYSPACE.

im just going on and on about this
but man
this is hella fun

now
ive noticed some people who say 'IM GOING METRO' or 'SHOULD I GO GANSTER? OR EMO?'

wtf! im not even sure i need to go into this!
why not say 'SHOULD I NOT BE ME?'

but i have to give credit to the people who arnt trying to be different at all when saying this. If you wonna go metro because you think it would suit you, and because you like the idea, and you want to settle down into a stereotype, then fine. At least your not a tryhard.

but sorry, i hate most metros.
i mean seriously, most of you are tools. and you all look the same(yes, you all look homo), like the same things, and beat up emos because you think you are the superior stereotype.
oh gosh
heres the war between people who wear black, and people who wear flouro rant again.
your both dumb. The war itself is just stupid. seriously. stay out of each others hair. kdone.

Im just wondering now though. There are a few 'emos' around now. The only place they seem to be accepted is on myspace. Myspace is the home to emos, and scenekids.
Ive recently been in a large conversation when a group of fags decided to abuse me over MSN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
'stupid emo, cut yourself. emo, go die'
yeah, it made me laugh so much, because none of them knew me. they saw my dp. OMG WOW IT WASNT PINK :
RANT NO.2
ABUSING PEOPLE OVER THE INTERNET IS THE MOST RETARDED THING YOU COULD EVER DO.
SERIOUSLY!
telling someone you dont know to die is just absolute bullcrap.
because really, your the one who should be playing in traffic! RETARD.

so
lets agree now
by doing the exact opposite of what the mainstream tells you to do is as stupid as following it.
but i have to give drecit to all the scenekids and emos trying to be different out there.
at least they're trying!

Oh, and please. if you agree with anything i have said, pass it on!