"No regrets"

Life can be slightly complicated sometimes. It can be horrid, heartwrenching, and a let down.
But it can also be beautiful. Sometimes it really depends on how you look at it.

Last week I finished my exams. Completely stressed me out, with the studying, and the mother expecting you to get A's, yet doubting you at the same time. How does that work?
Well, I got through it... Just.
And my marks weren't that bad, I have to admit. I got maybe two D's, but only in minor subjects which I shall not be continueing for VCE. I just have to teach my mum that a "C" is average, and good.

I thought the stress was over after that. I have to admit, Im a complete stress head. But this week has been filled with the thought of "Dont regret anything", and "I can only expect people to walk out my life". My doubts in humanity grew majorly over this week, and I found out about a new enemy I have. Fate.

Lets go back a while, to my first lot of close friends. When I was younger, I had a few girl mates, who eventually sorta backstabed me. I mean, Im completely over it now, I know they're actually pretty nice girls(But I sometimes wonder if thats the reason why I cant feel close to girls?), however, they left. Moving on, I remember when Dj moved schools, me and Stephen were so sad. Then I remember when Stephen moved to Qld, which I was extremely down about.
Highschool was worse. Because it wasnt as if people left school, or moved away because they had to, but more because they wanted to move on from me.
Everytime it happened it felt sort of unexpected, and out of the blue. Each time it changed me completely, and made me realise so many horrible things in the world. I sometimes wish I could thank them, because of how much they made me realise certain things, and helped me become more mature, and grow. But most days, I kinda wish I could punch them in the face for it.
I lost another this term. Though we live kind of far away, we would talk on the phone for ages on end. He'd make me smile so much. I take my mind of these things, or try to at least. Sometimes I succeed, but somehow, I've been having insane dreams, where this one person keeps walking out on me. Weird yes? Extemely hard to deal with.
It makes me wonder. What is so bad about me, that makes everyone I feel close to, disappear?
I try not to feel close to anyone now, because of that reason, but I kinda failed. I probably always will fail. Oh well.

This week I found out that it was likely I would lose another two people in my life. Though, I tried not to show it, tried to make it seem as if I didnt care, and failed. I knew how much I'd miss them, I knew I wouldnt know what to do next year, and that I should give up - on everything.
I felt as if there was nothing to live for. I was reminded of all the good times I had with people close to me before, how much I missed them, and how lonely I felt/was.
It was the most emotional week I've probably had all year. But I had one advantage this time. I knew it was going to happen. So many times people have left, and I regret how much I took advantage of their friendship, or how I spent the last moments around them. I told myself "No regrets", and although I felt as if I was going to regret things on and off this whole week, Im proud to say, No regrets. None... I hope.

Im hoping they havent left my life for good. I'm kinda doubting it actually.
And how good, Im off to Queensland to see Stephen, and the rest of my spare family tommorow.
Me and Dj are good mates still, Im always bumping into him at frankston (the bogan), and I've been friends with John now for 4 years.
So I guess not everyone leaves. Though, we may not all be as close as we were (Stephen with his damned moving to qld, and warcraft! Dj with his "not going to bayside-ness", and John with his foursquare!) They havnt left.
Im so thankful for friends like that.
Hopefully, I will meet someone else like that, and finally have a group again.