hey guys..

okay, so some of you have noticed that ive been a bit down lately, and stuff like that. 'whats wrong' 'i want to help'
i think its about time i explain some stuff thats going down.

but first, a word of warning..
im a tad tipsy, so sorry for spelling errors, and for this whole blog actually!
ill probably say something stupidd.

okay, well this is i guess kinda big for me. ive been like this before, and it took me a while to get out of it.
so, because its happened before, i guess its a it of a heads up for me, and i know what im gonna end up doing.
this is my confession. and if you dont want to hear it, turn back now.
i dont want friends worrying, or people calling me emo for that matter.

okay, well a lot of you know that ive picked up drinking again. (i pointed that out at the start of this thing lolll)
i realise its bad. im christian, and i guess wasting my life away isnt exactly what i think is right, yet its what im doing. ive become dependent on this crap, ever since i picked it up, about two weeks ago.
i gave up for about 6 months at one stage, and i have used it as a way to pass through these crap times in my life.
im not proud. i never expected to pick up a can again(or glass in this case. SCOTCHHH)
but i have, and im starting to think its making things worse, yet im still drinking it. why? well in a sense i feel i deserve this pain. and my stream of being 'im not gonna do this, im gonna be good, and not press boundries. im gonna put peoples weight on my shoulders, and just sit there leting them lash out on me' (btw, in most cases i like it when people talk to me about there problems. and i dont want anyone feeling bad, i like people telling me things, i like helping, so if somethings going on keep telling me.) slightly tipped the scales. and its not just people telling me 'i feel like shit' its people telling me 'i feel like shit, its all your fault'.
but, the main reason i started up again was because of some memories that keep messing with me. bad time of the year, and i didnt know what to do.

ive only started to realise how i take on things.
i have a few friends atm that arnt doing the best, and family also. these are people i care about, and i hate seeing them like this.
its made me sad, and ive stepped into their shoes. i love them so much, and i would do anything for them to be happy.
i honestly dont give a crap if i feel like shit rightnow, as long as they are happy, im okay wIth that.
once again, it isnt their fault im sad. this is my decision to take on board their problems, its who i am i spose. but in a sense its keeping me here, because more than anything in this world, i want to be there for them. so thankyou.

ive realised how much me being upset effects people.
they get angry, pissed of, worried, the list goes on, depending on the person.
i realise its hard to deal with me when im continuely pushing people away and telling them to leave me alone, or blocking them, or letting them know i have a problem, yet not tell them what it is.
i block people because i dont want them to be hurt
i dont tell people things because it hurts when i bring some stuff up, and i have trust issues. most people i decide to trust leave me, so i dont bother trusting anyone.
or they eventually give up and stop caring about me.
which gets hard sometimes, andyea, i guess in that was im selfish.

im selfish, because i dont let people go. it hurts me so much when people leave me. people im extremely close to.
ive had an issue with change since grade three (i have my reasons)
and its become a real issue. its one of my biggest weaknesses, and i wish i could be fine with it.
People walk in and out of my life, leaving their carious marks. i look at those marks some days, and trying to remember how fun those times were, which leads me to being upset a lot.

so once again, im sorry.
im sorry to anyone ive put down in the last few days.
im sorry for pushing people away, making them to angry, or hurt to talk to me.
im gonna try to just get away from it all for a while
not away from people, i cant live without a lot of people (actually, rightnow theses that one person i cant find myself parting from)
and im gonna have to somehow find a way to sort everything out

talking helps, but as i said, i dont want people carrying my burdens.
i talk to mum about calling my counsellor
but hes a dumb shit who cant make time for me. (thanks :P)

but heres your heads up.
i cant continue like this
and yesterday was totally shit. (as in, i drank to much an was sick all of today shit. not a good idea!... yet im doing it again lol!)


i also want to thank anyone who has stayed with me, cheered me up when i needed it, and held their temper, and was patient with me.

and i thank the people who tried to help.

Ive been praying, and i know God will keep me strong.
goodnight/morning x

Fools

bleh. hello. godiekthx

im so sick of people judging me by appearance, or by my flipping myspace profile -sigh-
ive only been through this a billion times, but when are people going to get the message?
why does everyone instantly judge people?
oh, so this person had a bad first impression, or this person looks like that
we're all different [well, most of us] we all have a different personality, just because we decide to wear what someone else does, dosnt mean we're fake
we're just stealing someone elses style.
heck, i dont even do that
i wear what im comfortable in
so what if it includes black?
oh man, i must be such an emo for wearing black, oh no.
or maybe its because my profile contains black on it?, OH MY, HOW BAD IS THAT.
hey, i dont want to dress like a slut, is that okay? no, its not is it.

and so what if i was emo anyway?
does it mean i am a horrible person?
no, it dosnt.
we are all human
just because so and so looks like this, it dosnt mean they are a bitch/slut/tool/idiot or any other variation.
stop giving people labels, should it make a difference anyway?
no, it shouldnt.

'are you emo?'
'ah, well yea :S'
'OMG LEPROSY IM GONNA STAY AWAY FROM YOU AHHH' -runs off-

why dont people like them in the first place?
is it because they are too different?
is it because they look to different?
what is it exactly, that makes emos, or goths even, so bad?
the world accepts 'teeny boppers' or 'jocks' , but they cant accept the people who wear black?
bleh, its like being racist.
just because one emo cuts her/his wrist, does it mean they all do?
and heck, does it actually mean they are doing it for attention?
really, unless they're going around everywhere yelling out
'I CUT MY WRISTS' i dont really think so.
hey, its not only emos who do it either
anyone, no matter what group you come from can give into it
depression can hit anyone, not just emos
and hey, if they wonna wear black because they dont feel like shining in some stupid flouro supre top, then go ahead.

do you even have any idea on what things can go through someones head?
i doubt it.
so what if your lifes is all sunshine and lollypops, its not like that way for everyone
theres some people who realise how stupid this world really is, and are affected by it.
not everyones an optimist.
but i guess its not your feelings that are hurt, so i guess it dosnt really matter.

idiot
'lets humiliate this person, and throw her in the dirt, it'll give us something to do'
'HEY BITCH, GO DIE'
'your ugly and fat, your going to explode from uglyness one day'

sticks and stones dont really break bones, but words will hurt her.


there are just some people out there that do everything for personal gain.
heck, i had this problem yesterday, or the day before idno
but yea okay, i was upset, and i didnt tell someone what was wrong, i didnt really want to be a burden
but guess what they did?
they just got hella angry with me
YEA THAT HELPS
now i know what was really going through your head
'im gonna make her think i care, but really, i just want to be a bignose and know everything'
once again, its not your feelings your hurting, so its okay, right?

this world seems to be full with hate
even friends are getting themselves into stupid quarrels.
what i dont understand is, if you cared about your friendship so much, why dont you just stop being stubborn, and give in? just end the stupid fight.
does the friendship mean more?
or does 'winning' the arguement mean more?

fooooooolssss

oh man, we only have one shot at life, why are we aiming ourselves to try and be more important, instead of mingeling with everyone? or trying to make a difference?
would you rather people saying 'uh, well she was a bitch...' at your funeral, or something like 'wow, she was such an amazing and caring person'

when are people going to wake up and share burdens.
when are people going to stop calling eachother stupid names, and start giving compliments?
when are people going to stop fighting, and start accepting each other?
when are people going to stop hating, and start loving and caring?

i think the answer will be never.

Humanity Please

Ive been meaning to write this blog for a while now.
Everynight for the last few weeks i have been thinking, what is with this world?
Im not saying that everyone is devilish evil people, and the world should just hurry up and explodee. But just the whole 'growing up' process is somewhat...harsh.

Im not sure if im the only one realising it, but the friendship groups from last year have totally broken up. For a while i struggled to understand why, and whether or not it was my fault. But after seeing a counsellor tuesday things have become slightly clearer.
(I still slightly blame myself, but meh)
Although it seems to be that everyone is fake these days, and stereotypical, most people are just searching for who they are, who they want to be, who they want to become. Through the process i guess some of us try out different friendship groups, different styles, and different opinions, but in all this process, some of us are seen as another stereotype, by the way we look, and our views.
Its come to a point where its just become to complicated.
Now, being the girl i am, i will probably do anything to avoid the lipstick and dresses. Alongside with soppy music and movies, and most girls.
But as we get older, in a sense, friendships between guys and girls simply....seperate. Most girls start looking at guys as.... guys, not a good friend, guys vise-versa.
So here i am, stuck in the situation where, if i dont hang around girls, im going to be left out by the guys simple because im not of the same sex.
Ive been hanging around guys for a while, and to be honest its been like this since year 3, but it comes to a point when the pressure comes on to fit into society, and do what society wants.
Then you see emo's and goths, and think of them as... a stereotype, or fake, or as a group of fags. All they are doing (well most of them) are trying to avoid the pressure of being pushed into something they dont like, or agree on. society.
Heck, it makes me want to join them.

Another point. the sexism of this world, its insaneee.
We are all human, why is the world divided into boys and girls?
We are all human, we hate, we get sad, we cry, so if a guy does this, it obviuosly means he's a pussy. We all do it, we all have emotions, so why is it seen as a 'girl' thing?
And again, just because a guy acts tough in public dosnt means he's a heartless emotionless tool.
Just because half (or more) of the population of girls like pink, dosnt mean we all do, so why is it considered a girl color? guys like it too!
Why are girls expected to wear fancy clothes, wear make-up, like soppy crap, and be emotional wrecks.
Some girls like playing sports, getting muddy, watching blood and gore movies.
Some guys like having deep conversations, like watching chick flicks, and hate playing sport.
we're not lez or gay,(well, some) we're different, therefore, we dont fit in.

so to the ones that dont fit in, we are the ones who have to suffer.
i wonna start up a new group, one for the people who dont fit into the boy/girl stereotype.
'the zoe followers'
the new emos in town
sounds good aye :D

wow, i dragged this on for a while
ive probably forgotten alot of stuff
and i probably typed it out all stupid, and nobody is gonna read it
but i have nothing better to type at one in the morning
anyway,to the people who read this, think about these things
we could start a new genoration of non-pressuring stereotype-ness.
:D!

Hastings day '07

This day ended up VERY important. Because it was the day i met my bestfriend.

WOW OMG WHAT FUN!
ok, so much stuff happened, ill TRY and list them all aha!

ok, here we go..

first off, i met up with adelaide, a mate from primary school that i hadnt seen... SINCE PRIMARY SCHOOL, yea... we watched the parade together. FREE LOLLIES!
john donna and julie hadnt arrived yet.
so yea..
ANYWAY, i got a text from donna saying her and julie were almost at hasting.
SCARY!, of course i havnt met em yet, so i was all like
OMG, IM SOO ANNOYING THEY WILL HATE ME.
bet eh?
i went of to find em, addie stayed wif her friend.

i met julie and donna near blockbuster.. after hours (meaning minutes) or searching.
as expected i wouldnt shut up ;D

we decided to go to my dads work so i could scab some money off him.
we failed, we kinda got lost xDD
SO WE JUST TOOK PICS INSTEAD! >:D

haha, TAKING PICS OF JULIE IS FUNNNNNNN
shes so pretty/cute xD
after we got lost, we went to coles, baught burger rings. coke. M&M's
sat outside
ate burger rings, coke, and M&M's
THEN JULIE SPOTED THE ALL FAMOUS JHNNEEEEEEEEE

julie and john ran off to rape some vending machine
so me and donna decided to make an M&M rainbow :DD
AND TAKE MORE PHOTOS!

rofl, i have a feeling this blogs gonna go for a while...
ANYWHO
john and julie returned
and we walked
found a book shop...

BOOKS & BOGANS
FOR ALL YOUR BOGANNY NEEDS

the randomness begins xD
so there we were... walking walking walking...
went into random shops..
including BARGAIN BASEMENT, or some shizzle
baught dummys
TOOK PHOTOOOOOOS

alot of photos..
yea, so then i think we went down to the rides and stuff
julie and donna went on a ride
me and john walked of, and found addie
SHE HAD SILLY STRINGGGGG
lucky for me it was empty
unluckily for me her friend had a pink can of silly string
SHE GOT IT IN MY HAIR
EW PINK


haha, i was hugging like mad :]
i think almost everytime i hugged john, it led to injury :DD

we then decided to find my dad to get the money
so we could sneak of to frankston without him knowing, and buy stuff.
which we didnt end up doing
anyway
walking walking...
TOOK MORE PHOTOS!

i really should've resized em, but i cbf xD
anyway, we were at the corner of my church, and i was called by my daddyo
and he came to me and gave me the money :D
THEN WE TOOK MORE PHOTOS! AHAHAHHA
and undid julies hair xD

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM, I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM! (8)

JULIES BUMMMMM!

and a nice family photo :D

we walked back down to the rides and stuff.
julie and donna went on another few rides
and me and john met up with sarah (johns sisterrrrrr)
AND WE PUT HAIRTIES IN JOHNS HAIR AGAIN
HOORAY!
oh yea.. MORE PICS XDDDDDDDDDDD

haha, its all good (Y)
uh, what happend next... UMMMM
well we walked around a bit more, i think donna went to the bank
PELVIS HUG!

:DDDD
then me and donna decided to get married. FOR REAL
we went into a little shop, AND BAUGHT OUR MOOD WEDDIN RINGS.
we did it all traditionally
and... THEY WERE TWO DORRAR! :D
oh yea, i baught 2 packs of pokemon cards too xD
we then went into gay mart to search for our children
we were ready to adopt
aha!
instead we ended up printing of some pics from the cam :]
and taking pics of the security camera roflllls

it was almost time for me to leave...
*sob*
we wandered to the train station to gaher with donnas family
and took our last few pics ;']



we went to maccas
and had our goodbye hugs
ohh i loved hastings day ;']

Qld '06-'07

First day
Wednesday
6:35am
pshh, ok so far, ive woken up at 3, and we were in the car by 4. Melbournes a fair far away now, nothting interesting has happened so far really. My brother has waved at a speed camera, and we're currently driving next to a ccar with a ttrailor that reminds me of a kangaroo =)
alana jr(my phone) still isn't working =(
and im kinda sick of laaland singing "5 little ducks went out one day, over the hills and far away"
OH GOD WE ALMOST RAN OVER A BIRD!….

First day
Wednesday
9:15am
WOW, ok, this is scary. When I was younger our car was hit by a truck. I was like 2. None of us were in the car, because it had broken down on the side of the road. We weren't far from a petrol station, and the man there was helping us get the car started. Then the truck smashed into the side of the car, full force. NOW, we just stopped of for petrol. IT WAS THE SAME PETROL STATION!
The same dude was there, hes old now ^_^
And he remebered us, and all that junk.
How freaky! XD….

First day
Wednesday
2:10pm
well… we just stopped of for lunch, and we'll probably get to dubbo at about 5.
Haha, lunch was funny. Mum was complaining that laaland, dad and myself don't behave when we're in public. And that we embarrass her. About ten seconds later she was complaining to the shop owner that her sandwich was stuffed. It's a good thing we're never going back there to eat, next time they might spit in her sandwich xD….
First day
Wednesday
8:50pm
ok, we're in dubbo, in a snazzy cabbin. Its chillin 'ere. We gots a pool, t.v, park all that jazz. And I have my own room! YAY. No sharing with laaland mwahaha. XDD
just before, I had to take my bro laaland to the park, while we were there, there was this… about 11 year old fat kid who wouldn't stop talking to me, I could so tell he had the hots for me.
And he lived like… a cabbin away from me, and was like… "zoeeee come to the pooooool"
Me: "ugh, SORRY FAT KID, NOT TODAY"
I didn't really call him fat kid
But you get the idea xD
O.o pizza 4 tea, yum…

Second day
Thursday
8:55 am
right, so far we've seen a kangaroo ^_^ (amazingly alive)
a billion truckies(hermits)
and a few mountains that looked like pyramids ^_^
we just stopped into maccas for breakie, and im just a typical tomboy with no fashion sense.
I was wearing my strippy sexy sox with mini shorts and baggy jumper.
EVERY1 WAS LOOKING AT ME!
They probably thought I was the new Ronald or sumfin xD

Second day
Thursday
3:45 pm
ok we've passed the QLD border, and we're about 2 hours away from stevos house.
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
The time is actually 2:45 now, cos of the time difference. But ill stick to vic timing until tomoz.
Right now we're going through bends
I feel sick
And we dropped of for lunch
Everyone looked at me again

Third day
Friday
8:30am
HOOZAH! Qld is greatata!
So far I might have had a few fights because jen and stevo kept stealing my stuff.
But I just chased after them and hit em wif pillows >:D
Haha, and last night me and jen sat up to about 11:30 taking photos! It was
Soo funny. Theres a pic of me having a seizure xD
And one of jen being a beaver
Mwahaha! :P

Third day
Friday
4:45pm
oh gosh, happy feet was an awsome movie
first of the aeroplane jelly add was on ^_^
then there were the obsessive catch phrases
eg: "COME BACK ANY TIME RUBBER BUTT" xDD
and..and "maybe you should get a rape whistle!"
wait a second -.-
ugh…haha
JUST OBSSESED A BIT?

Fourth day
Saturday
5:30pm
wow! Today we went to the giant pineapple, it was fairly odd, but that's the way I like it :D
there were llamas, and we rode in a nut train =D
rape raindeer was invented yesterday, and we played football last night too xDD. Right now im about to kill someone >:D
stupid sony wont tfix my phone =]
POKER TONIGHT XD
*pokes*

Fifth day
Sunday
5:10pm
we went to australia zoo today =D
it was my family and spare bro (aka stevo :P)
we saw terry irwin, and laanad saw bindi on thee trampoline. Shes so famous now :P
I fed a kangaroo, and pat a koala, and saw a tiger swim =)
It was great fun. But laaland still talks to much, IT SO ANNOYING!

NEW YEARS!
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
HAPPY
NEW YEARS
*NOISE* =)
haha, ive almost lost my voice from playing singstar for about 2 hours xD

sixth day
Monday
5:00pm
we went shoppin today =D fun,
we took random pics, got locked in jay jays, and I forgot to mention the lollies we brought =D
23 bux worth YAY!
We're gonna eat em at midnight tonight >:D
And my mission to make steve and jen a myspace IS COMPLETE!
HOORAY!

Seventh day
Tuesday
4:45pm
went to underwater world today. >:D
My family and spare sis (aka jen xD)
It was fairly fun. There were sharks..and..and FISHIES! And.. and.. glow fish with glowing eyes >:D
They would be perfect for my evil lair!
Ugh..
Anyways, we saw the ship steve irwin died on :o!
It was cool
Then we went to lunch, and I played on a pirate ship :D
Then I went to the toilet, and when I came back…
Every1 was gone :'[
I found them hiding behind a rubbish bin >:[

Eighth day
Wednesday
11:55am
we just left stevos house =(
we're headin 4 the goldcoast now.
Im gonna get my phone fixed soon too =)
Hmm, isnt it supposed to be hot in qld?
Its raining!
Im watching cars =]




GOLDCOAST!

Eighth day
Wednesday
7:30pm
WOW!!! We're on the gold coast baby!
We went to infinity, and it was awsome.
There were so many illusions and stuff.
It like a giant creepy/fun maze. Laaland bumped into a mirror rofl.
Then afterwoods we went to get a drink, and he spilt it ALL over himself!
Bad day I say.
Then I went into a shop called dracula, gothic heaven.
It was awsome ^_^
Then we saw bat roam the street xD

Ninth day
Thursday
8:30pm
ZOMG!!! Dreamworld was AWSOME!!!!
I RODE MY FIRST EVER rollercoaster!
I got wet in the log ride ^_^
Then I went on the claw, arnt I brave :L or just… really stupid
Then… I WENT ON THE TOWER OF TERROR!!!
Its apparently the fastest and tallest ride, in the world!
Me?… crazy?.. NO WAYS ^_^
It was FUN AS!!!!
Next stop.. movie world >:D

Tenth day
Friday
7:10pm
this fab day started with me picking up alana jr from the phone fixers >:P
SHES FIXED! YAY
Then I went to movie world. Sooo fun. I didn't go on any freaky rides, I couldn't be bothered, but I still had an awsome time!
I went and saw stunts, ate ice-cream =) bought a superman tee, helped bat,an fight evil
And…yea xD
FUN!

Eleventh day
Saturday
11:00pm
today was fairly boring,
we went to water world, but I didn't really enjoy it
we're headin home totmoz, but we're gonna take it slowwwwww, so it'll take 4 days to get back home… joy.
I cant wait to get outta here, this cabbin is horribubble.
Ive seen two roaches so far, and I have o share a room with my whole family.
Dad snores
Blah

Twelfth day
Sunday
12:30pm
ok, we're headin home, and we we're just in hippie central byron bay!
It was awesome(besides the weed and chicks with armpit hair)
There were people dancing
Hill billies
Music
And a dude playing a flute in a tree
I loved it
The markets were awesome
Peace man

Thirteenth day
Monday
9:50am
GAH! Another bad cabbin.
This one was covered in bugs. But today we're going
to tys house,
Son of my mums best friend
BUT HE WONT BE THERE!
Pshh!
They live in sydney
SYDNEY
HERE I COME!
XD

Thirteenth day
Monday
1:45pm
we've stopped of for lunch at maccas.
Soooo bored!
Haha, we're parked in front of a shop with banners
All over it saying:
"5 STAR TOILETS HERE!"
WTH?!?!

Fourteenth day
Tuesday
10:00pm
ok, we left syd, and we're now at gundagai.
WE FINALLY GOT A GOOD CABBIN! YAY!
AND IM COMING
HOME TOMOZ!
YAYAYAYAYAY!
SCHOOLS STARTING IN THREE WEEKS!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
XD

Lastday
Wednesday
10:45
we just crossed the border into vic
mum says we should be home by 3:00 at this rate
cant wait to go..)
and pick up my dog
comet from my uncles
house. The little fluff ball
^_^

Lastday
Wednesday
1:10pm
Ok, we just stopped of at glenrowan
Where ned kelly died I think.
Anyways, it was really boring, and we stayed there for an hour and a half, so I might not get home untill 5:00 NOW! >:(

Lastday
Wednesday
4:20pm
we just picked up comet. Haha, she missed us ^_^
GAH, she was trying to steal my candy canes before!
NO, THERE MINE!!!
*barks*
watching james and the gaint peach o.o
I liked the pirates :D

Last day
Wednesday
4:49pm
HOME!


STRANGE ENCOUNTERS!
Ok, on my trip there were some strange things I saw.
· the steve irwin mascot-
oh gosh that dude was freaky
· the anorexic triplets-
they all looked the same,
thin sticks with bobby hair. Around my age :S
· the witch lady-
she wore a beehive on her head ^_^
· scary stalker old asian lady pedo-
she wouldn't stop staring at me :S
· silly cop-
he didn't indacate. And we ended up following him the whole way to dreamworld.
Dad wanted to book him >:D
· CONDOM KINGDOM-
yes, it exists xDD
· mrs. Howden-
my grade 3/ 4 teacher at dreamworld with her daughter taylor
blake disappeared O.o

I think I might've missed something, but eh?